tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
