I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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