so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
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My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well I just put wine in my tea
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Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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