Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
