it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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