I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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