just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
