I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
