glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
