My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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