it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
