i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
