I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
