i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
