this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
