***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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