I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
