i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
