A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
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figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
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She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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