FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
