there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
