**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
