hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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