But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I faked an abortion last night.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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