Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
