The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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