OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
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I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
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She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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