You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
