Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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