why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
