Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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