Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
