I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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