It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
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