i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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