he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
