Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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