I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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