i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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