the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
