Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
