I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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