roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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