when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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