Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
