best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
