I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
