i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
