he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
