so that wasnt chicken after all
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
