Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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