I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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