I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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