Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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