I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
