your parents love me but you hate me
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
